Singapore Gentrification Means Original Residents Must Now Pay To See Old Neighbours

Tiong Bahru, once the bohemian heartland of the merely well-off, has officially achieved peak gentrification, sources confirm. Following the conversion of the last surviving *kopitiam* into a fourth artisanal sourdough bakery, residents are reporting an alarming surge in bespoke tailoring appointments and a corresponding drop in the acceptable thread count for household linens.

“Eh, last time got auntie sell *char kway teow* here, steady lah,” lamented longtime resident, Mr. Tan. “Now? Only got latte art that look like my late grandmother’s face. Later I want to buy *teh peng*, must queue for one hour and they ask me if I want oat milk or almond milk. Wah lau eh, so complicated!”

Urban planners are reportedly thrilled, noting that the area now boasts an impressive 98% concentration of residents who communicate exclusively through expensive hand gestures and passive-aggressive Instagram stories. The only remaining sign of its working-class past is a single, defiant traffic cone that refuses to be replaced by a minimalist, self-watering sculpture. Experts predict full assimilation into a $15-a-pint craft beer district by Q4.