Singapore Mandates Solar Panels; Balconies Now Only Fit One Thumb.

The Housing & Development Board (HDB) has unveiled its latest initiative: mandatory solar panel installation across all newly built and existing estates. Dubbed ‘Project Sun-Soaked,’ the move is projected to slash national electricity bills by a staggering 0.003%, while simultaneously reducing balcony space by 85%.

“*Aiyah, where to hang my laundry now, man?*” lamented one long-suffering resident of Ang Mo Kio. Officials insist the panels are essential for Singapore’s net-zero ambition, conveniently omitting that the resulting heat reflection will raise local ambient temperatures by three degrees Celsius.

“This is not about energy independence; it’s about aesthetic conformity,” explained a Ministry source, speaking anonymously—for fear of being forced to live under the glare of his own rooftop generation. The government is offering a one-time rebate equivalent to one standard-sized packet of tissues to offset installation costs. The average waiting time for the rebate is currently projected to be 2045. Don't worry, we're all in this bright, hot future together.