Singapore Officially Declares Tissue Packets 'National Security Assets' After Hawker Wars

In a shocking move that surprised absolutely no one, the Singaporean government has announced that the humble tissue packet has officially been classified as a "strategic national asset." Analysts suggest this move aims to legally solidify the centuries-old practice of ‘chope-ing’—the ritualistic claiming of coveted hawker centre tables.

Minister for Culinary Sovereignty, Dr. Kiasu Lim, stated in a press conference held entirely over Zoom (due to the intense queue for a seat at the nearest Kopitiam): “We must protect our infrastructure. When a single, slightly damp $0.50 packet of tissues can secure a prime piece of real estate for four hours, that is not just lunch; that is national security.”

Meanwhile, queues have formed outside convenience stores as citizens panic-buy 5-ply Kleenex. One distressed patron, 62-year-old Mdm. Poh, clutching a stack of 20 packets, lamented, “Aiyah, this one confirm better than bodyguard. Last time I forgot my packet, some ah so and so take my seat, I nearly faint! Now must buy extra just to defend my char kway teow.” Experts predict the next phase will involve digital registration for premium tissue packet deployment zones.