Singapore Rebrands Permanent Lift Delays As ‘Mandatory High-Altitude Training’ For Athletes

The Housing Development Board has officially rebranded the decade-long Lift Upgrading Programme delays as an innovative "Vertical Agility" pilot scheme.

Officials confirmed that residents of ageing HDB blocks are now legally classified as "unpaid mountain goats" to improve national fitness metrics.

The Ministry of Health praised the move, noting that 90-year-olds lugging groceries up twelve storeys provides invaluable "natural selection" data.

"Auntie, don't complain lah, your legs now like tree trunk so solid, can kick horse die one," remarked site supervisor Tan Ah Kow.

Experts suggest the delays are a strategic military preparation to ensure the population can outmanoeuvre any potential invasion via the fire stairs.

"Wait until my grandson finish NS still haven't fix, I think I see the white light before I see the lift button," lamented resident Mdm Wong.

The government reminded citizens that stairs are merely "manual elevators for people who aren't lazy or dead."