Singapore Replaces All Food Stalls With Hygienic, Soul-Crushing Meat Vats

In a shocking pivot that has rendered three generations of hawkers obsolete overnight, the Ministry of Flavour (MOF) has announced that all street food vendors must now source their protein exclusively from the new Ministry-certified Cultured Meat Incubator located beneath the Gardens by the Bay Supertree Grove.

The initiative, dubbed ‘Project Lab Ah Gong’, aims to streamline hawker culture by removing the “messy variables of actual farming.” Authorities claim lab-grown chicken rice offers superior textural consistency and zero risk of *dabao* (takeaway) sauce spillage.

Veteran Maxwell Food Centre operator, Ah Hock, was reportedly seen weeping into a vat of cooling curry. “*Wah lau eh*, this one how to chop? Where got soul?” he lamented, while a drone hovered nearby, scanning his wok for ‘unauthorised organic matter.’ Critics suggest this is merely the government’s final solution to ensure every plate of *Char Kway Teow* tastes exactly like every other plate of *Char Kway Teow*. The MOF assures citizens that synthetic chilli will still provide the requisite 20-minute mouth numbness.