Singapore Secret Menu Reportedly Just Extreme Levels of Hawker Disdain

The Ministry of Food Security (MFS) today confirmed the existence of the legendary ‘Secret Menu’ at hawker centres across the island, but immediately classified all documentation as a matter of National Security. Insiders suggest the true secret menu items are not culinary delights but rather elaborate psychological tests designed to weed out tourists and the insufficiently committed local.

“I ask for the *Char Kway Teow Kosong Plus Minus More Tau Pok*, and the uncle just stare at me, then he give me a packet of tissue paper,” lamented one confused expatriate. “Is that the secret? Is the secret that there is no secret?”

A hawker veteran, known only as Ah Beng, scoffed: “Secret menu, *AIYOH*! Only thing secret is how much chilli I put inside your *Laksa* when you look away. Steady lah, you think we got time to write down rubbish for tourists? Go home, eat your sad sandwich.” The MFS advises citizens to stick to the printed board.