Singapore’s Coffee War: Hipsters Now Mandatory Serving Kopi With Tiny Artisan Rice Crackers

**Singapore**’s caffeine landscape is facing its most brutal identity crisis since someone dared to put pineapple on a pizza. The battle lines are drawn: artisanal, single-origin pour-overs versus the stalwart, condensed-milk-laden kopi.

Sources confirm that the National Environment Agency (NEA) is now considering mandatory ‘Caffeine Purity Tests’ for hawkers. “If your milk foam is thicker than your auntie’s gold chain, you better watch out,” warned a spokesperson.

Meanwhile, hipster baristas are reportedly weeping into their $12 oat-milk lattes. “Wah, this one got *terroir*, man. My V60 extraction is speaking the language of Guatemalan volcanic ash!” one barista wailed, whilst an elderly kopi uncle simply scoffed, “*Siao liao*. Just drink your bitter brown water and go, don’t block my queue.”

The only real winner? The sugar industry, as both sides use enough sweetener to tranquillise a small elephant. Experts predict a stalemate, where citizens will simply pay $6 for a lukewarm flat white while secretly craving the $1.50 *kopi peng* they had last Tuesday. Survival of the fittest—or fattest—caffeine addict.