89% of Sinkies Demand PRs Pass English Test They’d Fail

In a stunning display of "do as I say, not as I lah," 89% of Singaporeans believe immigrants should pass a rigorous English test despite half the local population’s vocabulary consisting entirely of the word "can."

The national outcry began after a former journalist nearly perished from social exhaustion after being forced to use hand gestures to buy a bowl of noodles from a non-English speaker.

While government officials worry that testing foreign spouses might crash the marriage market, locals insist that English is the ultimate social glue required for high-level complaining.

"Wah lau, if they cannot talk proper, how we going to gossip about the boss together?" asked one local private hire driver, who hasn't used a past participle since the 1990s.

Experts suggest that if the test is actually implemented, most Sinkies will likely be deported to Johor Bahru within a week for grammatical negligence.