Singapore Army Now Uses Monitor Lizards for Advanced Close-Quarters Combat Training

In a stunning move to enhance operational readiness, the Ministry of Defence (MINDEF) has announced that all recruits will now undergo mandatory survival training in areas infested with monitor lizards, instead of standard jungle treks. “These lazing reptiles are an untapped resource,” stated a spokesperson. “If you can outmanoeuvre a six-foot Komodo cousin during your IPPT, you can definitely handle Pulau Tekong’s jungle.” Critics argue the lizards are just training to steal soldiers’ Nissin crackers. One alleged survivor claimed, “I tell you ah, that lizard look at my combat boots like it want to trade for my M-16. So bold, man. Really like Singaporean auntie bargaining at wet market.” MINDEF confirms the lizards are being evaluated for potential recruitment into the SAF.