Singapore Crocodile Refuses To Eat Resident Due To High Sodium Content

The National Parks Board has officially granted “Diplomatic Immunity” to the four-metre saltwater crocodile lurking at Pasir Ris, noting that the reptile has more legal right to the shoreline than any 99-year leasehold peasant. Officials suggest the creature isn't actually hunting; it’s merely conducting “aggressive urban renewal” by thinning out the herd of PMD riders and people who don’t return their trays.

“Eh, the buaya damn eksen one,” complained local resident Lim Kopi. “I throw bread at him, he just give me one kind of look. I think he only want to eat those high-SES organic kale people, my cheap caifan skin not his standard lah.”

NParks reminds citizens that if bitten, please ensure you have updated your Singpass before losing consciousness.