Singapore National Library Rebranded As Premier ‘Heavy Petting’ Hub

In a desperate bid to fix the plummeting fertility rate, Singapore has designated the National Library’s ‘Reference Section’ as a premier high-intensity dry-humping zone.

Couples are ditching humid parks for the erotic scent of Dewey Decimal-categorised dust and 18-degree air-conditioning.

Research confirms Singaporeans only feel sexual arousal when surrounded by strict silence and the threat of a $500 fine.

"Wah lau, hotel so expensive, and my mother always check my room, so here best lor," said undergrad Shawn Tan, while adjusting his trousers behind the encyclopaedias.

"Every time I see the 'Quiet Please' sign, I get so turned on, I cannot tahan."

Urban planners claim the lack of privacy has turned public stairwells into the country’s most popular concrete-scented aphrodisiacs.

Authorities promised softer lighting in the library to better facilitate "intellectual stimulation" and accidental pregnancies.

Clearly, the only thing Singaporeans love more than a discount is a quickie while an elderly cleaner watches in judgmental silence.