Singapore National Service Now Mandates Actual Parachute Search During Drills

In a move that shocked absolutely no one who has ever woken up for a 4:30 AM parade, the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) has officially announced that all future “simulated” emergency drills will now require recruits to genuinely attempt to locate the nearest parachute.

The directive, which comes after years of complaints that recruits were not adequately stressed during mandatory fire alarms, mandates that every soldier must now sprint to the nearest exterior wall and scream, “*Wah lao eh, where got chute, only have fan!*” before attempting a controlled descent.

A Ministry of Defence spokesperson, under strict orders not to smile, clarified, “This enhances operational readiness. If the enemy attacks during cookhouse hour, we need soldiers who can instinctively improvise survival gear. Frankly, if you cannot fashion a working canopy from your own regulation mosquito net, you are a liability.”

One grizzled Sergeant was quoted: “*Aiyah, last time confirm can sleep through fire alarm. Now must pretend jump, then kena shout-down from superior. Confirm more realistic, steady lah!*” The new training module is expected to reduce the overall lifespan of recruits by 14%.

**Author: Chloe Ong**