Singapore Unis Raise Fees To Ensure Only Children Of Oligarchs Can Fail Calculus

Singapore’s elite universities have announced a substantial tuition hike to ensure that the crushing weight of debt is the only thing heavier than a student’s textbook.

The Ministry of Education confirmed that the extra revenue is essential to fund the gold-plated bidet installations in the Dean’s private restroom.

Officials argue that if a graduate isn't spending their first thirty years of employment paying off a General Elective in "Critical Thinking," they haven't truly achieved the Singaporean Dream.

"Siao liao, now I need to sell my kidney on Carousell just to pay for one semester of Engineering," complained local student, Jerry Koh.

"Last time my brother grad only pay peanut, now I pay for the whole elephant and the zoo also!"

A university spokesperson noted that poverty is a fantastic motivator for academic excellence, as starving students are less likely to waste time sleeping.

The administration also introduced a new $500 "Processing Fee" for the privilege of receiving the bill.