Singapore Women Paying Slimming Centres $10,000 To Be Safely Microwaved Into Raisins

Singapore’s slimming centres have unveiled their latest "Aesthetic Torture" package, designed for women who find basic starvation too subtle. For just $12,000, local females can be shrink-wrapped in industrial clingfilm and yelled at by a 50-year-old consultant until their self-esteem evaporates faster than their water weight.

"Liddat only can lose weight lor," said Mavis Tan, currently vibrating on a metal plate like a terrified jelly. "The consultant say I am 'human dustbin' because I eat one grain of rice. So fierce! I sign package immediately."

The industry’s new ‘Cryo-Shaming’ technique involves freezing a woman’s midsection while a loudspeaker broadcasts her primary school health booklet results. Experts claim the sheer terror of being seen in a bikini at Siloso Beach is the only thing keeping the economy—and the zippers of size-zero Zara jeans—from total collapse.

"Auntie say if I don't buy the $500 fat-burning ginger oil, I will die alone and bloated," Mavis added. "Very professional."