Singapore’s Last Pangolin Refuses To Mate Without Guaranteed GCB And Ministerial Salary

NParks officials are frantic as Singapore’s final pangolin, ‘Xavier’, has officially entered a celibacy pact. Despite being critically endangered, the scaly introvert refuses to propagate the species until the government grants him a Good Class Bungalow and a seat on the Temasek board.

“This bugger think he who?” complained witness Tan Ah Kow. “I put him in front of one chio bu pangolin, he just roll into ball and say the housing market too volatile for kids. Everything also want high SES, siao liao!”

Experts suggest the pangolin’s scales are actually hardened shells of pure elitism. Unless Xavier receives a scholarship for his unborn pups, he intends to let the species die out in a display of "protest against middle-class mediocrity."